On Being Mommy

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:13-16

While there are a myriad of ways to apply these verses, they became especially dear to me when we were working through the loss of several children to miscarriage. It was a comfort to know that while I did not have any way to know if a child that I was carrying would be delivered and if that child would be healthy, God did. He had already written the number of days for each of my children delivered and undelivered. In the quiet of another night, God has added to that lesson. I am often tempted to despair that the days that I have to spend with my children are fast being spent and to wonder if I have invested well in the time that I have already had with them. This is especially true when something like looking at old photographs reminds me of how quickly the days have been speeding by. Last night, God again whispered those words from Psalm 139 to my heart. Instead of despairing at the lost time, I need to rejoice in the chances that I have had to be a part of the lives of my amazing children for even a heartbeat. Each one of the little ones that I carried for only weeks, had a deep impact on my life, my faith, my understanding of the goodness of my God. How much more have the lives of my living children taught even more meaningful and delightful lessons and brought much of God's goodness and joy to my life. I have been blessed to be their mother for a few moments of their lives and mine. It is a joy that I do not deserve and that I will always treasure and thank God for, beginning today.