Running toward my desire

Saturday morning I was running before the sun rose while the thoughts that had wakened me continued to occupy my mind. As the painful push up the hill faded with the view of Christmas lights against the pink mountain miles away, I turned east toward a sky overflowing with colored clouds. Even while I marveled at the variety in front of me, my mind turned back to the major changes that are approaching our family. The list is not short. The list is very long and very scary to one who enjoys patterns, plans, and order.

I'd turned east on purpose at the top of the hill. It seemed a waste to run with my back to the light show unfolding as I ran, but eventually I came to a fork in the road. I wanted to keep going in the direction that I'd started in, but duty called back at the house, and I unwillingly turned to the west to wind my way back to the house. It was then that I saw what had been happening behind me. The sky over Pikes Peak glowed pink. What had been behind me, where I didn't want to go, took my breath away when I finally submitted to turning around. It was like God was shouting to me that when I trust Him, when I look at Him instead of the uncertainty around me that He will do something beautiful. It doesn't mean that He wrote the answers in the sky. But He brought to mind David's words in Psalm 73, "Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." He seemed to be saying, love me more, desire me more: more than order, than answers, than security. I think that the answer is in learning to know my God and being satisfied in Him no matter what deep waters He is calling me to walk through. He is asking me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and not on the waves lapping at my feet.