To Be or Not to Be

Asleep or awake, cold or hot, thirsty or satiated, in all of those states, there is a very small line between being in one place or the other. An alarm, a blanket, or a glass of water all can change a person's state in a very short span of time. In just the last few days, I have experienced another change of state. One that is a bit harder for the mind and heart to process. When most women go from being pregnant to not there is reason to rejoice. For our family, that transition is again not one of joy, but one of sorrow. One of the most difficult things about losing a baby in the early weeks is the mental adjustment required. To go from just trying to think through the joy of finding out about the baby to the sorrow of his death causes a real emptiness where there should be a fullness of joy. Suddenly, when I reach to cradle his tiny body in my stomach, I have to remind myself that he is no longer there. Now, when I walk past the maternity clothes at the store, I turn away with tears in my eyes rather than eagerly wondering what new clothes I might need for this pregnancy. There are physical effects of a miscarriage that can be diagnosed and explained, but there are many other emotional effects of losing a baby that aren't confined to the two or three weeks that it takes a body to recover. The event of the miscarrage may be short lived, but it takes a mind and heart awhile to catch up. It will take my mind and heart a long time to catch up.

Pink?

This spring I went with my husband to get a new pair of shoes. I figured that while we were at the running store, I would get my new shoes as well. I always get the same brand and model of shoes. (My foot is rather particular.) They were out of my size and said that they would have them in a few days. When I went back to pick up the shoes, I got a surprise. As she took my credit card, the clerk made a comment that these shoes were very popular because of the color. It was then that I looked at the shoes for the first time. They were pink. Not all pink, but pink in the way that running shoes are any color. I have had many pairs of running shoes, twenty-three years' worth. In all that time, I don't think that I've ever thought about having pink shoes.



For many women, this might have been a pleasant surprise, but I have always had an aversion to pink of any shade. I was especially nervous as my husband has been known to buy me running gear to match my shoes. The ironic thing is that the longer that I have had the shoes, the less the pink bothers me. It is also ironic that due to a series of events, I have been wearing my shoes more but running less, so they have maintained their "new" appearance longer than most of my running shoes. And so, the girl who has always gone out of her way to avoid being girly kind of likes her pretty new pink shoes.