To Be or Not to Be

Asleep or awake, cold or hot, thirsty or satiated, in all of those states, there is a very small line between being in one place or the other. An alarm, a blanket, or a glass of water all can change a person's state in a very short span of time. In just the last few days, I have experienced another change of state. One that is a bit harder for the mind and heart to process. When most women go from being pregnant to not there is reason to rejoice. For our family, that transition is again not one of joy, but one of sorrow. One of the most difficult things about losing a baby in the early weeks is the mental adjustment required. To go from just trying to think through the joy of finding out about the baby to the sorrow of his death causes a real emptiness where there should be a fullness of joy. Suddenly, when I reach to cradle his tiny body in my stomach, I have to remind myself that he is no longer there. Now, when I walk past the maternity clothes at the store, I turn away with tears in my eyes rather than eagerly wondering what new clothes I might need for this pregnancy. There are physical effects of a miscarriage that can be diagnosed and explained, but there are many other emotional effects of losing a baby that aren't confined to the two or three weeks that it takes a body to recover. The event of the miscarrage may be short lived, but it takes a mind and heart awhile to catch up. It will take my mind and heart a long time to catch up.