Thirty-four weeks

I went to the hospital today to do the paperwork for our expected delivery in a few weeks. The last time I entered those doors was for a memorial service for our son that I delivered at 16 weeks. Just walking up to the front of the building was difficult. When I got back to the other building, I went into the bathroom and sobbed. I could have controlled my tears, but didn't. I was crying for the children that I haven't held and for the friend who lost her husband this week. In our finite minds, we often try to figure out how we could have caused a result other than the tragic one that we are facing. Yet, "His ways are not our ways, nor His thoughts our thoughts," and His ways are good. Even when they involve suffering. Especially when they involve suffering because then we are driven to the ends of ourselves and to the Lover of our souls. My fear is that I haven't allowed these fiery times to purify my soul as He desired. That somehow, I have wasted the dark night and missed out on the brightness that the day could have held. Again, I come and wait; wait for the Spirit's whispers that reassure me that He is working and that His way is best. That though imperfect, I am still His blood-bought child.

Thank you for today

This morning, we had our first of what promise to be many ultra sounds. Our baby is 18 weeks old, and the doctor wanted to see how he is growing. Unlike my pregnancies with our other children, I find myself waiting for the bad news at each appointment. It is always a relief to hear the nurse or technician say, "There it is," about the heart beat. Today was no exception. When we finally saw the little heart beating on the screen, the tears of thanks ran down my face. So now, I say, "Thank you," to the Giver and Preserver of Life. I also want to learn to give the lives of each of my living children to God in the same way each day. I want to consciously acknowledge that He alone has the right and power to give and take life. "Lord, thank You for giving our littlest one more days on this earth. Help me to love him and all those that You have put into my life to love, in ways that please You and show my understanding of Your power and control."

Are you telling the truth?

Nap time can be one of the most difficult parts of my day as a mother. I not only need a few minutes to breath deeply and think without interruption, but I also desire for my tired little ones to surrender and get the rest that I know that they need even when they think that they aren't tired. Today looked like one of those days when I would battle my two-year-old most of the afternoon just to get her to give in minutes before I had to wake her to head to a her brother's soccer game. I was especially convinced of this when I looked in to see her standing up in bed and dancing around with her blanket. After correcting her, we tickled and kissed then I reminded her that it was time to settle down and rest. The next time I looked into her room, I was prepared to enter the battle once more, but wonder of wonders, she was asleep. It was then that I realized how important it is to her that I keep my word, when I tell her that I will be checking back to see if she is asleep. When I keep my word and punish her for her misbehaviour, I am giving her reason to believe all the words that I say. Words like, "I love you," or, "You are smart." When I keep my word and make her obey, I am proving to her little heart that I am telling the truth when I tell her about the God of the Universe and His love and sacrifice for her. What a motivation to take care with the words that I speak to my children! What conviction that I must follow through on the expectaions that I set.

One, Two, Three, . . .

My father's good friend died last week. My husband is traveling, and I always imagine his not coming home when he is away. Maybe because of those things, or maybe because we are expecting again and with that comes wondering how long I will carry this baby, I have been thinking about the transitory nature of human life. We live like we have forever, but really our lives are like a vapor (James 4:14). Moses talks about learning to number our days so that we will apply our hearts to wisdom. I think that that means that when we realize that our days are limited, we begin to weed out the pursuits that don't advance our true agenda. We begin to focus our efforts on the priorities that we often tend to push aside for another time because of all the things that we allow to clutter our lives. What people and pursuits would I be "wise" to set aside the frivolous for? What did I do differently today, because I am living with my mortality in view; I am realizing that this life is not all that there is, and I am counting each day as precious, to be invested, not squandered? LORD, I need wisdom to see my days as you see them. Please teach me to number my days.

In grief

Sometimes life is like being on top of a ridge. The trees fall away and the view opens up. One can see for miles around and the bright sunshine illumines everything in sight. It is easy to see all that God has done and is doing. More often days seem like walks in the forest where the views are limited to glimpses of the glories beyond the trees. Dust and tree roots occasionally take the eye away from the grand vistas just visible beyond the trees. Other days, darkness presses in so heavy that the light seems gone; the path faint if present. It is then that faith points the way, not out of the darkness, but toward the light unseen, yet trusted.

I chose to trust Your hand in the darkness. I chose to hear Your voice in the night. Even if the answer is not the one that I seek. I trust Your love. I trust You.

I like stories.

I would rather read a novel than an encyclopedia. I suppose that most people would. Many times I have caught myself looking to the Bible as an encyclopedia. I turn to it to see what God says about this or that. I have even counseled new believers or seekers that they should begin with one of the gospels rather than reading the Bible like other books where you start at the beginning and finish at the end. It struck me today (while running) that the Bible isn't an encyclopedia. It is, rather, a story, the greatest story ever told. It is a love story, a true story, a compelling story. And as such it should be read with an eye toward theme and story line. From Genesis to Revelation, the themes are laid out: God is. He is powerful. He loves me. He pursues me. He wins me. He wins. Anyone for a good read?

Did it!!

While training for my last marathon, I noticed that running wasn't really that much fun anymore. Today, I started on a four mile run. I haven't been training and knew that four would be a difficult run. About two miles in, I was running well and getting very tired. My husband drove past with the kids on their way home from the park. Since my training schedule called for a two mile run, I asked him take me home. I wanted to be done. I'd done what I was supposed to do. Then, I decided not to get in the car. I decided to do something hard, something that I didn't want to do. I'm glad that I did. It was actually fun.